Filed under: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton | Tags: humanure, promession
Who would you let drive you home after a party? If you said Britney, you might wake up with her shoving krispy kremes and Olde English in your face, but at least you’d avoid the morgue. (She actually has something on Paris and Lindz: no DUIs, biotch!)
Because after LiLo’s dee-wee, the mortuary is exactly where she’s headed. It’s part of her court-ordered rehab. (We’d take it over what Paris got. Although…). The point is for Lindsay to see cadavers in various states of disarray, so she “thinks seriously” about what she did.
We thought about it and decided we’d let her perform our autopsy. On one condition: she properly compost our corpse. Traditional burials by their protective nature produce methane and cremation guzzles gas. We want to be “humanure.” It’s possible through “promession.” That means freeze-drying us and turning us into bacon bits for plants.
FWIW, we’d prob end up fed to a fungus that Lindsay later eats during a late-night bender.
Bacon Bits
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
:: 
Filed under: Britney Spears, Energy consumption | Tags: Britney Spears, Energy consumption, kevin federline, Las Vegas, Pure Nightclub
After police and paradmedics were sent to Britney Spears’ residence yesterday, Kevin Federline was given sole custody of their two children, Sean Preston and Jayden James. Apparently when Kevin’s bodyguard game to pick up the boys as scheduled in their court papers, Britney refused to give them up. The police were called to resolve the dispute, and when they arrived, they felt that paramedics needed to be called for Britney. The reason why is still unknown.
Didn’t Britney lose custody of her kids last week? You know, after that one time she lost Tater Tot in the wholesale Colombian drug section of Costco last month? Either way, without the kids distracting her, Britney will be using the saved energy on one of her favorite past-times, raging in Vegas. It’s a win-win situation.
How else can one save energy in Vegas? By visiting the International Consumer Electronics Convention, where we learned about automating our homes with technology that reduces energy consumption. Look out, Pure, we’re about to energy-save the hell out of your strobe lights!
Aja
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
Filed under: Al Gore, Ashley Olsen, Audrina Patridge, Britney Spears, Heidi Montag, Justin Bobby, lance armstrong, Nobel Peace Prize, Owen Wilson, Paris Hilton, Soulja Boy, Spencer Pratt, The Hills
It was a good year for members of the doucheoisie. That means, there was a lot of second-hand embarrassment in 2007…and we loved it. Even Al Gore winning the Nobel Prize for his environmental work found a way to be awkward. Here are just a few ways shameful things made 2007 unforgettable…
It was a Good Year for Hills Hangers-on
Justin “Justin-Bobby” Brescia…truly.
Heidi got nose and boob jobs, picked up a CZ and thinks she can be the next JoJo
Audrina got a cubicle!
Awkward/Sad
Our mental picture of Lance Armstrong runnin’ game on Ashley Olsen
Husky Britney at the VMAs
Chris Daughtry sold more albums than anyone else this year
Creepy
Spencer’s everything, but lately we’ve been focusing on his scraggly beard
Owen Wilson slitting his own wrists
America was “that guy” at the big eco-talks in Bali
Outrageous (aka the Good Embarrassment)
Britney storming out of court screaming “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!”
The Superman (So boorish, yet, so exquisite)
Paris Hilton emerging from prison and prancing proudly into her mothers waiting arms
Al Gore, Nobel Prize in tow, smarmily accepting congrats from Dubya in the White House, thus creating the most uncomfortable photo-op ever.
Bacon Bits
2007 dished out ego-boosters left and right, please add to this list.
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
Filed under: Britney Spears, Energy efficiency | Tags: Britney Spears, ENERGY STAR, Jamie Lynn Spears, nyc
Looks like Britney was the last to find out that her 16-year-old sister was pregnant. Asked by x17online about her thoughts on her sister’s pregnancy, Britney replied with, “My sister is not pregnant. Whatever.”
Wow. Just wow. Britney’s so out of it that she finds out that her own flesh and blood sister is pregnant just like the rest of us…by reading the tabloids.
We’re guessing that the familial disconnect is due to Britney’s six-year plummet from the pinnacle of her career in 2001 (think Toxic) during which she got married twice, divorced twice, and had two kids… which would no doubt cause some beef in the Spears family. On the other hand, the past six years have been great to NYC, during which more than 10,800 New York ENERGY STAR Labeled Homes in the city have significantly reduced energy use and emissions of greenhouse gasses. We think the two are somehow inversely related. Aja
Addendum: Apparently Jamie Lynn and her statutory-rape-beau have already broken up!
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
Filed under: Britney Spears | Tags: Britney Spears, music video, Piece of Me
“Piece of Me” was a great song…until we got the visual
After the magnificent success of the “Gimme More” instructional video for strippers, Britney Spears returns with yet another visual gem. “Piece of Me” is surprisingly good-ish, but it’s pretty clear that Britters doesn’t have the same spunk she did when she slipped into her first pleather cat suit.
Piece of Me features a solo Brit chilling in front of a wall of energy efficient LED fairy lights while “dancing.” But she’s not fooling anyone; after the first few minutes it’s pretty evident that Brit knows her career has fallen flatter than the Olsen’s chests.
Maybe it’s her new meth light diet or the fact that she needs not one but four hot blonde body doubles to make up for her not so sexy midsection, but either way our hearts go out to her. Even worse, the editing department seems to have a personal vendetta out for Britters. During the oh so classy bathroom dance sequence, (and get this, Brit’s sporting shoes!) it seems that our girl has speedily and not so subtly shed a few lbs.
All in all, Piece of Me, like Britney, stumbles, but doesn’t fall. JCamz
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
Filed under: Britney Spears, China, pollution | Tags: adoption, Britney Spears, China
Britney Spears is currently in talks with a Chinese adoption agency. She wants to adopt twins…which raises some questions.
Q1: Are you allowed to adopt if American courts think you’re unfit to take care of your own biological offspring?
Q2: Does Britney live under a rock? Does she not know that all the big stars are adopting babies from Africa these days?
Q3: Are you allowed to engage “in talks” with anyone if you’re pulling stunts like running over a paparazzo’s foot in your Escalade and driving without a valid license? And managing to run through 3 stoplights?
Q4: Are we misjudging Britters? Could this adoption be a move of environmental good will? Is she looking to China for adoption because she hopes to save a pair of twins by taking them away from the world’s most polluting country and bringing them to…the world’s other most polluting country? Yeah, wait take that back. We def have not misjudged.
L.A. attorneys plan to put Spears on 12 months probation for driving without a license. If the Chinese know what’s good for them, they’ll give the kiddies to Angelina instead. At least she hires a driver. Greenhorne
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
Filed under: Britney Spears, oil spills, Salma Hayek | Tags: Britney Spears, clean up, disaster, oil spills, prayer, Salma Hayek
Salma Hayek prayed for large breasts when she was a kid. It worked.
She’s not the only that believes in the power of prayer. The Hollywood Prayer Network is a membership organization of 5,000 Christians who make it their business to pray for the stars. The idea is that they can turn stars lives around by praying for them. If that works, then they can turn celebs into evangelizers who will use their fame to spread the gospel.
If you think it sounds like a great big excuse for Bible thumpers to guiltlessly watch the juicy shows on TV, well, we didn’t say anything about it. You’re just cynical.
Anyway, judging by Salma, prayer does work. Betting all your chips on Hollywood’s scandal machines seems a little misguided though. Why not try praying for something you know would do some good? Like, pray that oil tankers would quit wrecking? On November 7th, we had a huge spill outside of San Francisco. Then, on Sunday, another one in the Russian Black Sea. Both of these disasters were avoidable. In the Russian case, captain set sail despite clear warnings of unsafe conditions. In San Francisco… well, in San Francisco they hit a freaking bridge.
Hollywood might be hopeless, but maybe we can quit sinking massive ships full of toxic material? Some disasters you can prevent and some you can’t.
Know what we’re saying? –BradyDale
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
At this point, we should just start a “Sucks to be Britney” column.
LA Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon said that Britney Spears has to pay Kevin Federline for the $250,000 in legal fees he mounted keeping custody of their kids. The judge basically said this was justified because Britney makes way, way more money and does way, way more stupid stuff than K-Fed.
In fact, Federline’s hardly bringing in any money these days, while Britney is somehow still bringing in over a half-a-million per month!
So what’s K-Fed going to do now that he dodged this bullet? His own court records show he isn’t going to be able to afford to do what he’d probably like to do: drive his kids as far from that crazy hillbilly as he possibly can. After all, oil is approaching an all time record high, hitting $98 per barrel Wednesday. Analysts fear that triple-digit barrel prices will soon be the norm if nothing changes.
That said, if Britney keeps spending like she has been she might not be able to afford the drive to see their kids, anyway.–BradyDale
Filed under: Britney Spears
Seriously?
What the publishing industry has made abundantly clear is that if you write a book on the thing you suck most at, whether it be parenting or covering your murder tracks (cough:: OJ :: cough) they will publish it, and attempt to bank off your sickly dillusional narcissism.
In the newest manuscript of this genre, Britney Spears’ mother, Lynn Spears, will reveal her special parenting secrets in a new autobiographical book slated for release on May 11th, (that’s right, Mother’s Day). Although Christian publisher, Thomas Nelson, has yet to see the finished manuscript, a representative revealed to Us Weekly, “It’s a parenting book that’s going to have faith elements to it.”
This may go without saying, but the spawn of LSpears have not turned out so well. Okay, that Jamie Lynn seems like a good kid with her show on Nickelodeon, but that Briney is a hot mess who hasn’t even spoken to her mom since the attempted intervention last February. But, maybe Lynne could give Briney a sneak preview anyway– if only for little Sean Preston and Jayden’s sake.
Or better yet, Mama Spears should skip the whole printing process. The book’s just going to end up in trashcans outside used bookstores. Wasting paper, killing trees, drilling a hole in the ozone; it’s doubtful this book is worth the resources needed to print it. If anything, stick to the E-version. At least that can still make the rounds after your publisher pulls the plug. CM
Filed under: Blackout, Britney Spears, collapse, energy saving bulbs, shiloh
Britney Spears reveals the title of her new album: Blackout
Blackout, as in, when we watched Britney perform at the VMAs we exclaimed, “wow, she clearly rocked 8 shots of ouzo backstage, she must be blackout.”
Blackout, as in, Britney’s career seems to be so near its end that, much like on a mediocre film, we can’t wait for the loose ends to be tied up and for the spotlight to gently fade.
Blackout, as in, that one time last month when Britney blacked out and fainted mid-convo at Caesar’s in Vegas.
Blackout, as in, what Beyonce and Brit both experience after faceplanting literally, and figuratively, onstage. (and, as in, what happens to the city of New York when Beyonce is on tour in general).
So overall — props to Brits, for releasing the most aptly titled album of the year. Chesterman and Kandz
:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::
