Filed under: Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton | Tags: humanure, promession
Who would you let drive you home after a party? If you said Britney, you might wake up with her shoving krispy kremes and Olde English in your face, but at least you’d avoid the morgue. (She actually has something on Paris and Lindz: no DUIs, biotch!)
Because after LiLo’s dee-wee, the mortuary is exactly where she’s headed. It’s part of her court-ordered rehab. (We’d take it over what Paris got. Although…). The point is for Lindsay to see cadavers in various states of disarray, so she “thinks seriously” about what she did.
We thought about it and decided we’d let her perform our autopsy. On one condition: she properly compost our corpse. Traditional burials by their protective nature produce methane and cremation guzzles gas. We want to be “humanure.” It’s possible through “promession.” That means freeze-drying us and turning us into bacon bits for plants.
FWIW, we’d prob end up fed to a fungus that Lindsay later eats during a late-night bender.
Bacon Bits
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Filed under: Al Gore, Ashley Olsen, Audrina Patridge, Britney Spears, Heidi Montag, Justin Bobby, lance armstrong, Nobel Peace Prize, Owen Wilson, Paris Hilton, Soulja Boy, Spencer Pratt, The Hills
It was a good year for members of the doucheoisie. That means, there was a lot of second-hand embarrassment in 2007…and we loved it. Even Al Gore winning the Nobel Prize for his environmental work found a way to be awkward. Here are just a few ways shameful things made 2007 unforgettable…
It was a Good Year for Hills Hangers-on
Justin “Justin-Bobby” Brescia…truly.
Heidi got nose and boob jobs, picked up a CZ and thinks she can be the next JoJo
Audrina got a cubicle!
Awkward/Sad
Our mental picture of Lance Armstrong runnin’ game on Ashley Olsen
Husky Britney at the VMAs
Chris Daughtry sold more albums than anyone else this year
Creepy
Spencer’s everything, but lately we’ve been focusing on his scraggly beard
Owen Wilson slitting his own wrists
America was “that guy” at the big eco-talks in Bali
Outrageous (aka the Good Embarrassment)
Britney storming out of court screaming “Eat it, lick it, snort it, fuck it!”
The Superman (So boorish, yet, so exquisite)
Paris Hilton emerging from prison and prancing proudly into her mothers waiting arms
Al Gore, Nobel Prize in tow, smarmily accepting congrats from Dubya in the White House, thus creating the most uncomfortable photo-op ever.
Bacon Bits
2007 dished out ego-boosters left and right, please add to this list.
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Filed under: Aluminum, Cans, champagne, Paris Hilton, Richard Hilton | Tags: aluminum cans, champagne, Paris Hilton, Richard Hilton
So if you were too overwhelmed in the post-prison media blitz to catch this, PHiltz is so over her bout of DUI that she is delving headfirst into the alchy business herself, developing her very own brand-name canned champagne. Personally, we think she just wanted an excuse to be spray-painted gold and get nude photos taken.
Not only is champs in the long-stemmed glass classier, but canned champs will unnecessarily add to the 1.57 million cans used each year (about 352 cans per person/per year). Not to mention we doubt bubbly blonde juice is going to be very high quality. Paris could quit outsourcing her name to cheap liquids and instead make money by recycling the aluminum. Americans earned about $1 Billion last year recycling aluminum cans. That’s about daddy’s net worth, no?
Informr Bean
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Filed under: Alternative Energy, Paris Hilton | Tags: Alex Vaggo, Google, Paris Hilton
Pictures of Paris Hilton and a painfully perfect looking young fellow have been floating around the internet. Apparently the mystery man is her new Swedish boyfriend, Alex Vaggo. Although his looks could probably land him a decent modeling job here in the states, back home he works as a pizza delivery boy. Good old Paris, always keeping her standards high.
Another happy new coupling on our radar: Google and naturally-generated power. The company has decided to expand into alternative energy as a way to lessen the energy used to power their massive computer centers. Google in turn hopes that they will contribute to “making the world a better place.” Remember when Paris said the same thing on Larry King? We find it more believable coming out of Google’s mouth. AF
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Filed under: elephant, Paris Hilton | Tags: elephants, intoxicated, Paris Hilton
(And believe it or not, her idea of ‘help’ does not consist of providing more booze or an entourage of self-destructive socialites.)
It’s hard to say which is stranger — that Paris could be the voice of sobriety or that intoxicated elephants are actually a serious problem in rural areas of northeast India. Last month, a herd of almost 40 wild Asiatic elephants entered the agrarian village of Chandan Nukat in search of food. Some of the animals discovered cannisters of rice beer, which local farmers store in their huts, and proceeded to get smashed. The plastered pachyderms soon became out of control and uprooted a utility pole, causing six of them to be fatally electrocuted by severed power lines. The worst part? Regional conservationists fear that the elephants will be making more and more appearances in Indian settlements, due to the consistent, reckless destruction of their natural wooded habitat by (you guessed it) human beings.
So where does Miss Hilton come in? According to the World Entertainment News Network, she made the following statement after hearing about the unfortunate incident: “The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.” Conservationists and animal activists commended Paris for her support, hoping that her celebrity status would generate public interest and raise global awareness. But don’t sing Paris’ praises just yet. Yesterday, her publicist Lori Berk denied that Hilton had made any remarks about spearheading a campaign to rescue binge-drinking elephants.
Stay tuned though…word on the street is that Paris has expressed a growing concern about rhinoceros drug addicts and nymphomaniacal orangutans. AT
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Filed under: Africa, Hummer, Nissan Rouge, Paris Hilton, Prison, Rwanda | Tags: adoption, brangelina, genocide, Madonna, Paris Hilton, Rwanda
The one and only un-original
Paris is following in the steps of Brangelina and Madonna ‘n Guy Ritchie (you’ve gotta love that he clearly was never famous enough to latch onto her name) and heading off to Africa. Rwanda to be precise… and for once this is not a celeb-adopts-an-ethnic-child story. She’s just going to offer her attention-hoarding services, which after all is what she’s best at.
In true Trippin’ form, a camera crew will follow her around the genocide-stricken country covering her wide-eyed introduction to the lives of the seriously less-fortunate. At least knowing the stylish Paris, we’re sure they’ll be rolling in a sexy SUV crossover like the Nissan Rouge, and not an played-out Hummer or, gag, Range Rover. Informr Bean
Filed under: Brody Jenner, Budonkadonk, Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton, Ray Jay, sex tape, TV, Vanity Fair
Budonkadonk
1. An incredibly massive bottom — which is apparently a completely legit reason to rise to A-list status in Hollywood. Jessica Biel, case in point.
2. She was recently signed by (chuckle) Ryan Seacrest Productions to star in her own reality TV series, Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Keeping up? With what? What does she do apart from shop and pose in ass-hugging velour?
3. Her step-brother is Hills’ hotshot Brody Jenner and was BFFs with Paris Hilton. Combine the power of three spotlight-hungry celebrity socialites,and you get: Publicitus Whorus, a fame-force that will do anything for a little camera time, even ponder joining the celebrity green rush just to get a mention in the (too-upscale-for-them) Vanity Fair Green Issue.
4. The woman has a sex-tape with Ray Jay.
5. ….
….Honestly, that’s all we’ve got. Peering through the sheer BS of explanations 2, 3, and 4 you can pretty much deduce that KK’s celeb-ish-status is basically attributable to only one major asset. Drizzler
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Post-prison Paris Hilton has not only 
embraced Jesus, but is now also “going green” in the footsteps of our favorite member of The Honey Brothers.
Arriving at the special screening of Leo
We’ll overlook the fact that she skipped the actual movie
Kandz
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Filed under: Paris Hilton
No, not that kind of frosting. Paris knows better than to put calories anywhere near her “naturally” lithe frame.
And it’s that kind of will power we’re hoping she can channel when she begins working as the spokesmodel for Damiani’s Bliss Collection. When asked about the spokesmanship deal, Hilton responded: “I love fashion, and I love diamonds.” Thanks, Captain obvi.
From Leo’s amazing performance in Blood Diamond, we’re all well aware of the perils of the eco-unfriendly conflict-ridden diamond industry. But, as Paris will attest, since diamonds are the most glamorous natural resource Mother Earth has given us, we’re willing to do our research–and pay a little extra–to know that no hungry Africans were hurt and no filthy, chemical mine juice seeped into the local ground water to put the bling on Paris’ well-manicured finger.
Paris, darling, please don’t be another LiLo and ignore our advice. Promise us that the diamonds aren’t bloody. Then frost on, gorgeous.
*The Damiani website says they set only conflict free diamonds.
beanSTOCKr bruce
