The beanSTOCKd Project

CLUELESS: Granola:Green::90s:Today by beanstockd
August 8, 2007, 8:00 pm
Filed under: Cher Horowitz, Orlando Bloom, Paul Rudd

(Aren’t analogies just precious?)

Remember how 12 years ago Cher Horowitz, my then idol, said to her step-brother Josh, my then secret lover, “Hey granola breath, you’ve got something on your chin.” And that something turned out to be a bizarre coffee shop goatee that was at the same time unattractive and laughable?

Flanel-clad Josh, though secretly hot, was everything that sucked in the 90s: smart, witty, into saving the planet, etc. He was also wicked granola: poorly dressed, poorly groomed, and living to attend rallies and jam to the Dave Matthews Band. Back then, environmentalism was laaammee, and was a clear sign that you were way out of touch with anything remotely cool.

My, how times have changed.

Nowadays granola is no longer a term used to describe the vegan in ill-fitting overalls playing frisbee in the quad, rather it is a fiber-rich cereal made of wild oats usually prescribed by doctors to patients who suffer from chronic constipation. Granola is way 90s, and so is the belief that being an environmental activist while sporting unconventional facial hair is something to be laughed at.

In modern times, people like Orlando Bloom can saunter down the red carpet proudly bearing a bizarre 70s era porno moustache, and still be considered one of the trendiest, most attractive gentlemen in Hollywood. Not only is odd grooming (or lack of it) in, but being whole-heartedly devoted to saving our planet, like Orlando Bloom, is currently very sexy.

Young Orly is building a new house, and it’s going to be as green as possible. According to the studlet, “It’s got solar panels on the roof, energy efficient light bulbs — newer technology basically that is environmentally friendly.” Love it. I wonder what the bed’ll be like?


Separated by a decade and a pornstache

another morsel of clueless geniosity:

Josh: ‘We may get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree’
Cher: ‘Oh how fabulous, Marky Mark taking time out of his busy pants-dropping schedule to plant a tree? Why don’t you just hire a gardener?’


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